Happy Father's Day

By David Myers
Editor, Southwest Kansas Register

As Father’s Day approaches, I thought it might behoove us to lift the veil of history and peer into the eyes of our past; to listen to the voices long since quieted; to gaze into the nasal passage of our yesterdays and take a ride on the winds of time.
Together, let’s look at … “Great Dads Through History!”
Our journey begins with the original dad, Adam, who became the first in a multitude of dads to be put in that fatherly position of having to console his sons, such as when Cain couldn’t find a date to the prom. Let’s listen in:
“There, there, son. Have you asked that baboon? She seems nice.” “Yes, Father” Cain responded, dejected. “She said she’s busy that night. Says she has to groom her hair. Yeah, right.”
“Don’t be too hard on yourself, son. There being no other women on the planet makes dating a challenge. Have you tried asking the fern?”
We then move onto a lesser known dad, the father of Noah, Lamech Johnson. (As you probably know, Noah’s last name was recently discovered after having been removed from the original text in 65 BC due to a copyright infringement lawsuit filed by Noah Johnson of “Noah Johnson’s Taxidermy Services.”)
The first time Noah’s father is mentioned is when Noah tells his dad of God’s demand he build an ark: “Fine. But after you fix my sink,” Lamech replies (Gen. 13:24). Ironically, it took Noah longer to find the correct washer for his dad’s sink than it did to build the entire ark.
Sadly, Lamech died before the ark launched. His last recorded words were, “Did you see what that elephant did on my lawn? Completely buried my barcalounger!” (Gen 14:3)
As we continue our trip through time, we happen upon some interesting facts about other biblical fathers. For example, we learn that not only did the angels lead Lot and his two daughters safely away from Sodom, but Lot’s poodle, Curly, too. Unfortunately, Curly sneaked a peak at the burning city, but instead of turning Curly into a pillar of salt, God turned her into Mrs. Dash, whom Lot later married.    
To conclude our tour of the Old Testament, we find Jacob, the father of Joseph, who was said to have so favored Joseph over his other sons that he gave him a coat of such brilliant colors that it “made the eyes of all those who looked upon it spin around in circles.” (Gen 30:36) What’s less widely known is that he gave his other sons leisure suits with gift certificates in the pocket good for $20 off at what was an early version of “Woolworths.” So, they made out okay and really had no reason to sell their brother into slavery except, as some experts believe, “to finally put an end to his incessant snoring.”
Stepping out of the Bible, we find Englishman Thomas Crapper, who, despite being a father of 11, still found time to invent the toilet valve. He also is thought to have coined the phrase, “Necessity is the mother of invention.”
Closer to our time, we learn of Hermann Einstein, who urged his son Alfred to go into theoretical physics, when what his son really wanted to do was to be “one of those guys who calls the numbers at Bingo games.”
Prof. Norman Von Schlept of the University of Eisenschtad stated, “Had he been allowed to go his own way instead of into physics, there would have been advances in the field of Bingo that we can only begin to imagine.”
Our journey finally brings us to mid-1900s Casper, Wyo. when a dad welcomed his fourth child, a son, into the world. Fortunately for all involved, the lad was never asked upon to fix the plumbing, or an electrical problem for that matter, which would have only resulted in fire damage and a new hair style. Although they soon moved away from Casper, not one among the family, including the dog, Buttons, turned into a pillar of salt or any other condiment when they peered back at the Wyoming town they left behind. For this, they were eternally grateful.
The father would teach his children many lessons during their lives, including the value of patience, humor, and pursuing their dreams, as distant as they may seem. Most importantly, through his and his wife’s devotion to serving struggling refugees, working with Hospice of Peace (serving those in the last weeks and months of life), and endless spirited discussions on the absurdity of war and oppression, he taught his children the greatest lesson of all, that every human being on this planet is precious in the eyes of God. Thanks, Dad.