God bless the Hair Club for Men
By David Myers
The headline for my
last column read, “Put something silly in the world.”
I’ve since wondered: Could this be one of the reasons why God created us? To spice up an otherwise bland world? Hmmmm ... .
Genesis 1:27 reads: “So God created man in
His own image to have dominion over the fish of the sea, over the birds of the
air, and over the cattle, over all the earth….”
Now, I’m not judging the writers of Genesis,
I’m just wondering if perhaps they didn’t leave out a few things. Again, I’m
not judging. If I had to produce the SKR using papyrus and a stick
dipped in berry juice, I’d edit for space too. (As a side note, that’s why the
Dead Sea Scrolls smell so good.)
I would imagine that, in reality, the story
went a little more like this:
“And God looked upon the fish of the sea,
the birds of the air, and the beasts of the land, and said, ‘It’s good, but
just a tad too serious. The barracudas are particularly moody. I know! I’ll add a bit of silliness. I’ll create Man,
who will have dominion over all the animals. This’ll be hilarious!’
“And lo, he saw that it was.”
As we all know, animals -- the fish of the
sea, the birds of the air, and, yes, the cattle, too -- basically do two things, eat and make
more animals. Not terribly interesting. Then humankind arrived. Soon we began
dressing dogs up in tutus and teaching chimpanzees to sign, “Me want chocolate
cookie. … No, wait. Give me the Deluxe Graham. No, no, those go right to my
hips. Oh, just give me a Sandie.”
Life on earth was simple then, before Man
came along. A bit of fun and frolic here, caring for the
young there, avoiding being eaten, and trying to eat those that were trying to
avoid being eaten. It was a life in which not a single gazelle or emu or bottle nosed dolphin ever worried about male pattern
baldness or not having a nice dress to wear to the Johnsons’ dinner party.
Then
came Man (thunderclap, please). Embarrassed by his appearance, Man invented the
first beaver skin Bermuda shorts. And God did chuckle. Not content only
to play and eat and have children, he invented a little box at which he could
stare for hours on end while his wife yelled at him to get off his rear and
help out around the house once in a while for crying out loud. And God did
shake his head. And then Man came up with Hair Club for Men. And God did
burst out laughing, and lo, he could not control his laughter for nearly five
minutes, even though he was God.
Soon after God created man, God decided to
upgrade. He created Woman.
Displeased with beaver skins, Woman invented
the polyester jumper, to which God said (Gen. 5:22) “Heh,
heh. Polyester. Heh, heh.” And she too began gazing into the little
box, the adventures of “Luke and Laura” causing her to forget to set meat out
for dinner, sending the family to Burger Lard, wherein they ate hamburgers and
onion rings. And lo, God said unto all the cherubim in heaven (Gen. 7:13) “Are
they gonna eat that? No way. Wait! They ARE eating
it! Gross! Ha ha! I can’t believe it! I wouldn’t feed
that to a barracuda!”
So, again I ask, did God create us, in part,
to spice up an otherwise bland world?
Sure he did! But it was out of joy! He wasn’t
looking for reasons to laugh in the face of his creation. In the eyes of God,
we are the ingredients of sheer beauty. He put us here to feel joy, to
experience and appreciate the beauty he created.
He put us here to provide the fun and the
funky, the beautiful and the bizarre, the striking and the strange! Whether you
are fat or thin, hairy or bald, a health nut or sickly, super smart or a
newspaper editor, you are a part of that bag of “sheer beauty” that God
sprinkled onto the earth.
And in return, we are – ALL of us – provided
with a big ol’ bag of love with which to seed the
world. Whatever your story, whatever your background, whatever your condition,
you always hold within you that big bag of love God gave us. Spread it like
it’s fertilizer on a garden! After all, love is emotional fertilizer. It helps
things to grow, especially those doing the spreading!
God bless the Hair Club for Men! Three cheers
for anyone who claims to have had tea with Bigfoot! Kudos to every weird one of
us!
And hooray for God, who
created humanity when he knew from the start that we would be anything but
usual.
Happy Mother’s Day
By David Myers
It has been two weeks since Pope Benedict XVI
made his historic visit to our country; 14 days since he brought his messages
of hope and peace to the American shores, on which live a troubled flock
engaged in troubled times, eager for his encouraging words, ready for the
spiritual embrace of their Holy Father.
That having been said, May 11 is Mother’s
Day. (A guy’s gotta have his priorities. If it were
the pope who had rocked me to sleep every night as a child while reading “Home
for a Bunny,” I’d write about him.)
Some of you are probably aware of Infantes Journalle,
a diary uncovered in
This phenomena,
called TBS or, “Talking Baby Syndrome,” has been scientifically documented on
at least four occasions. In each instance, the unborn child had an uncanny
ability to hear and learn from its mother’s speech patterns, thus acquiring a
working vocabulary while still in the womb.
In 1889, Deanna Richter of
In
1917, scientists were amazed when Edgar Johnstone of
As late as 1973, Portia Warwick of
So far, Infantes
Journalle is the only known instance where a
newborn dictated her daily experiences leading up to her birth, thus creating a
first person written record of life in the womb. It has proven an invaluable
record for scientists across the globe.
Following are just a few snippets pulled from
the 75-page diary, currently on display at the Palais
de la Découverte in
• “There is hope in the womb. Hope --
that most fragile of threads which binds us to life yet lived; hope born anew,
hope not yet scourged by the incessant roar of our own mortality. Hope
divine.
“And it is wet in here. Very, very wet.”
• “Tonight Mama sang
to me the third movement of Mozart’s Serenade No. 7 in D major. Her voice is as
sweet as a spring rain. I could have done without her drum solo, though.”
• “It is Day 211.
Today I discovered that I have a twin brother! I spent a glorious afternoon
sharing my deepest hopes and dreams.”
• “Day 212. I am vexed.
My twin brother turned out to be gas. Alas, I now know better than to seek
conversation after Mama eats a combination platter.”
• “This womb is
growing small. Should I prepare to relocate? I dryer climate would be nice.
Maybe I could sublet.”
• “241 days have
passed. What is existence? Who am I in God’s eyes? How do I relate to
the world around me? Does the universe extend beyond Mama? Is there ‘life after
womb?’ Will my life as I know it end with a birth -- a ‘delivery’ if you will
-- into another world? And if so, will it include a buffet? Too many
questions. Must rest.”
• “Nine months spent.
I don’t mean to question God’s grand design, nor do I pretend to understand his
mysteries, but it’s getting really crowded in here and -- What the …? What’s going on? HEY!”
•
“Wonderful news! True, I have left
the warmth and security of the womb, but I have also met my Mama and Papa. Mama
called me her most precious child, and Papa called me a gift from God. I chance
to think that I will enjoy this life, and am truly thankful to God, Mom and
Dad. Thank you for choosing to give me life!”
Happy Mother’s Day!