‘Swabbing and You’

I’ve always enjoyed genealogical research. In fact, my dad often tells the story of how, when I was five years old, I cried when I learned my grandpa hadn’t emigrated here from Beta Epsilon in the Adromeda Galaxy. Or was I 15 years old? I guess it doesn’t matter. At least that’s what my therapist says.

Anyway, after weeks of Internet research, I recently learned that I am a descendant of Captain Broderick Logan, chief supplier of Mentholatum to the Algonquin Indians during the rhinitis epidemic of 1847.

Needless to say, I’m very excited at the discovery. What’s even more exciting is that Captain Logan is the son of Daniel Logan, who, as you know, invented the buttonhole. After several hours more research, I discovered that I was related to Daniel Logan as well.

The other night, I happened upon a letter written by Captain Logan to his wife, Ralph (short for Mary Beth), while on one of his months-long Mentholatum runs:

Further research revealed that while growing up, young Logan had the unfortunate job of "boot sniffe" while working at a local inn. He would perch near the door and sniff people’s shoes as they entered to be sure they weren’t tracking anything unsavory. Although an unpleasant job, he took pride in his work, and often was named "Employee of the Monthe."

According to Sir Preston Elbert’s text on 19th Century boot sniffes, "Broderick’s popularity drew consternation among other inn employees, who eventually boinked him in the head and delivered him unconscious into the hands of Captain Edward Treadwell of the sailing vessel, the ‘Structurally Unsound’."

Here is where the young Broderick learned master seamanship — how to tie knots, how to swab the deck (after first attending the weekend seminar, "So You Want To Swab"), and how to cook bean soufflé.

He grew to be an honest, hard working man of faith, as stated in Chapter 4 of Hans Melman’s, "Obscure Sailors and the Women Who Knew of Them," which reads, "He grew to be an honest, hard working man of faith."

But the "Structurally Unsound" was, unfortunately, aptly named, and Logan eventually found himself the lone survivor of a ship wreck, having swum to an island several miles off Long Island Sound inhabited by a tribe of Delaware Indians.

The Indians were startled by Logan’s bizarre dress, button holes, and pasty skin. He quickly earned their trust, though, by not demanding his pen be returned after one of them accidentally walked off with it. He taught them how to swab things and to tie knots, but as they had no rope or decks, they simply smiled politely and nodded.

In return, they introduced Logan to the medicating effects of Mentholatum ointment, invented the previous winter by Chief Chitook Aggokoa, which, roughly translated means, "Chief Mixes Chemical Compounds."

Suddenly Logan’s mission became clear. He felt that God had appointed him to share the benefits of Mentholatum ointment with those most in need. He shared it with the native peoples of the United States, offering good will and cooooool, medicated relief whereever he went. Nary a sniffly nose or congested chest went un-mentholated, thanks to the efforts of my ancestor, Captain Broderick Logan.

He soon would achieve legendary status serving thousands of stuffy Algonquin Indians during the rhinitis outbreak of 1847. Not long after the last Algonquin was mentholated, Logan retired and devoted the rest of his years to trying to get that greasy feeling off his hands.