Escaping the Twilight Zone

Two weeks into the new year and I wonder, where is Rod Serling when we need him? Just a quick epilogue summing up 2005 and then let sanity reign, that’s all I ask.

Thankfully, we have the Good Lord to reassure us that although the events that so boggle the minds of humankind are not confined to the Twilight Zone, they are confined to earth, while we, on the other hand, are not.

With that in mind, I’ve decided that 2006 will be the year I take more seriously the things that should be, and look with more humor on the things that shouldn’t.

This is exactly the thought I had while at Mass Jan. 1 in Colorado. During the homily someone’s cell phone went off, setting the priest’s words to a nice little "do da dee da do..." that echoed throughout St. Anne’s. While Father patiently continued to speak, an elderly woman frantically raked through her purse for her phone as more and more heads turned.

Since she was two rows in front of me, I was able to note with curiosity the different shades of red she turned as she rummaged through her large purse for her small phone. Just before grasping the device (by then she looked like a human stop light), the priest actually said from the pulpit, "You better answer that. It might be God."

Some priests would have gotten angry. Instead, this one made the conscious decision to look on it with a smile and a chuckle. No big deal.

Cut to the Liturgy of the Eucharist a few minutes later. Now, I don’t know if it was mass hallucination, or if perhaps the priest raised his arms at the wrong moment indicating that everyone should stand. All I know is that suddenly everyone in the church stood up and held hands for the Lord’s Prayer.

Two hundred friends and strangers held hands, and 200 friends and strangers looked around, puzzled, as the priest continued reading, and reading, and reading, with the Lord’s Prayer nowhere in sight. After a full five minutes, people were beginning to feel a tad awkward. Eventually we began to accept that there had been a Mass misunderstanding, and began to unhand the person next to us. When the Lord’s Prayer came along 15 or 20 seconds later, the man next to me was so flustered that instead of holding hands again, he did what looked like a patty-cake routine.

During the Sign of Peace the man asked me what I thought had happened. I said I wasn’t sure, but that I’d send a sample of the Church’s holy water in for analysis.

Taking life less seriously is of utmost importance for a hypochondriac such as myself — not to mention neurotic, insecure, and terminally anxious.

Last year I was worried about my debt and how I would pay my bills. This year I plan to secede my Spearville property from Kansas and name it the 51st state. As governor, I will immediately lower my taxes and have my garden named a state park (with applicable fees for those who wish to hike or camp). I wonder if my basement could be termed a federal disaster area? I would imagine so.

In the last month, people have gotten all worked up about President Bush spying on American citizens and organizations without court order. But not me. Not this year. In fact, I was so encouraged by his actions that I did a little wire tapping of my own:

"Hello, Mr. President? It’s Donald. I need to know what you want to do about Iran."

"Rummy, hold on a sec. I’m in consultation."

"Donald, I’ve been inspired. Gather the generals!"

Epilogue: Submitted for your approval: A loving God creates the world for his children. His children respond by creating war. God is not amused. One distant day God’s children decide it’s much better to love than to hate, to which God replies, "It’s about time." His children begin to fight not against their neighbor, but against fear, prejudice and hate, the precursors to war. Why? Because they no longer want to live in ... the Twilight Zone.