Happy New Year!

By Dave Myers

Southwest Kansas Register

Happy New Year! Or so we all hope.

The other morning I was walking down the icy steps of my back porch when my feet slid out from under me. I landed with a thud, and when I looked at my dog, Sarah, she was laughing hysterically.

How rude, I thought, until I remembered the ice storm we had a few months ago. When I had let Sarah outside, she started slipping and sliding all over the place. For a minute I thought she was trying to invent a new dance. I laughed my head off, which she didn’t appreciate. Now I know how she feels. Sorry, girl. Bad Dave. Baaaaad.

I’m always glad to see a new year arrive, for with it comes new hope. But then you fall on your rear and realize it’s just the same old year with a new number attached.

I guess I’m being a bit pessimistic, but can you blame me? As the new year begins, we quickly see that things aren’t going to magically improve amid the knowledge gained and lessons learned from last year, which is too bad. To top it off, it’s an election year.

Did you know that the word “pessimist” is derived from the Latin, “pessimistem,” which, roughly translated means “to vote,” “having voted,” or “If I see one more political ad I’m going to upchuck”?

By the way, “upchuck” comes from the Latin “regurgitatum,” “referring or pertaining to the emitting of political speeches.”

What would make the start of 2008 one for the books would be if all the world leaders sat down with pen and paper and made a list of New Year’s resolutions based on the mistakes they made the previous year:

Venezuelan President Hugo Chavez: “I vow that each and every day I will look in the mirror and say, ‘Hugo? You’re a great guy! Hugo? You’re a handsome guy! And Hugo? People like you!’ I will stop trying to be a dictator, and just be myself!”

North Korea President Kim Jong-il: “I will disband the military, melt our armaments into decorative spoons, and use the millions of dollars saved to feed my starving people. Then I’ll get a permanent. Or I’ll get the permanent first, then disband the military and melt the armaments. No; I’ll disband the military, get a permanent, and then melt the armaments! Wait ….”

Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad: “I will open Disneyland, Iran, then go on the ‘It’s a Small World’ ride, maybe get a funnel cake. Mmmmmm. ... And I won’t invite President Bush. Let him see how it feels!”

UK Prime Minister Gordon Brown: “One: Invite Irish Republican Army to tea. Use ‘happy leprechaun’ china. Two: Finally tell the queen what I really think of her lentil soup! Three: Get corns removed.”

Russian President Vladimir Putin: “I will dissolve the Russian parliament and put in its place the cast from ‘Maude.’”

China President Hu Jintao: “I vow to amend the Communist manifesto to include freedom of worship, speech, and the ability to wear spring colors any time of the year, not just on my birthday or when my arthritis isn’t acting up.”

President George W. Bush: “You know who my favorite character is on the ‘The Andy Griffith Show’? Howard Sprague. Heh, heh, heh, heh … heh, heh … heh, heh … heh, heh, heh, heh, heh, heh, heh, heh. Howard. Heh, heh.”

As for my New Year’s resolution, I suppose I should try not to be quite so pessimistic. After all, no matter how bad things become, God is always at the wheel. We may feel now and then as if we need to remind Him to keep His eyes on the road, but we should rest assured that He knows what He’s doing.

While those “swerves” life hands you can be a royal pain, the pain is eased when we know that God is still at the wheel, forever intent on getting us to our appointed destination, one route or another.

On a more personal note, I’ve often resolved to take a more serious approach to my column. But after my series of articles on cancer in which doctor after doctor spoke to me about the value of humor, my prayer is that this year God will grant me the ability to be goofier than ever.

Here’s wishing you a year filled peace, love, and laughter.