Southwest Kansas Register

May your New Year be filled with Christ’s blessings, an abundance of youthful whimsy, and at least one fit of laughter so contagious that God Himself gets the giggles.

May the world resolve to be a peaceful place housed in Christ’s loving embrace. May all the world’s weapons finally be replaced with Milk Duds and small, potted geraniums. (I’ve now sent written requests to four U.S. presidents and 16 Third World dictators. I only heard from Jimmy Carter, who thought it was a swell idea, but instead of Milk Duds he suggested honey-coated peanuts. Negotiations immediately fell apart.) May Dr. Phil be elected to lead the new Iraq, and may reality programming be replaced with re-runs of the "Dick Van Dyke Show."

When 2003 came to a close, I was watching a "Twilight Zone" marathon; an appropriate way to end a year that was all too much like a "Twilight Zone" episode. But rather than discuss the weird and surreal occurrences from the past year (which would be far too depressing), I’d rather write about what I would like to see happen in 2004.

Should things finally settle down in Iraq and the Middle East, President Bush will turn his attention to the United States. Noting that the dissolution of many social programs over the past year due to budget cuts has resulted in a disenfranchised elderly, disabled, poor, and immigrant population, Bush will demand with firm resolve that the elderly, disabled, poor, and immigrant populations hand over their weapons of mass destruction. After all (our president will surmise logically), it worked in Iraq.

Speaking of immigrants, the boom in the population in the United States of those born south of the border continued in 2003. I fully expect the growth to drop off to a degree in 2004, as bills are passed making it difficult for undocumented immigrants to obtain drivers licenses, achieve medical care, obtain jobs, feed their families, or breathe. Those who support such measures will try to get passed the "What Christ Really Meant" bill, which will state:

I.(a) Let it be hereby accepted as law that when Jesus Christ, Son of God and King of Kings, said in Matthew 22:37-39 that "You shall love your neighbor as yourself," He really only meant that you shall love:

(1) Those carrying proper ID.

(2) Those whose skin color most closely

matches your own.

(3) Anyone who is not elderly, disabled or poor.

Last year also brought the proliferation of reality television, with all stations vying for the next big hit. The Fox network (which continually sets the standard for bad taste) recently introduced, "My Big Fat Obnoxious Fiancé" (yes, a real show), which is destined to challenge even the most deeply intellectual among us. Others shows may include, "Who Wants To Marry My Aunt Esther," "Survivor: Dave’s Backyard," and, "The Bachelor," featuring a lonely poodle named Bobo.

I believe reality television has a few more years of popularity left before people finally start demanding that TV producers again hire actors, write witty banter, and place the performers in interesting situations that leave us better off for having watched. Where are the "Taxis," the "Moonlightings," and the "Kukla, Fran, and Ollies?" Where are the quality shows, such as "Dukes of Hazard" and "Good Times?" I’ll tell you where they are. They’ve been replaced with "My Big Fat Obnoxious Fiancé." If Daisy Duke were alive today she’d be rolling over in her grave.

Last year was once again a year in which the world failed to meet the standards we were taught as children. We respect others; we pray; we work hard, just as we were taught we should, yet we’re left to ask, Why the wars? Why the trash? Why the filth?

I think the answer is that we often feel tired and powerless to affect positive change, especially, as in the case of the war, when we may not be entirely sure where the line is between what’s right and what’s wrong.