Rhonda Lee Combs for president

Southwest Kansas Register

You may remember prior to the last presidential election when a team of seven Southwest Kansas Register political analysts set out across the nation in search of the person most qualified to be president of the United States. Sadly, after an exhaustive search, their eventual candidate only received seven votes after one of the analysts who was caring for a sick goldfish forgot to cast his ballot.

Despite their failure, because neither the current president nor the Democratic candidate bring to the forefront qualifications that make them entirely suited for the top job, the team has once again decided to set out in search of the perfect candidate.

After months of in-depth research, fact-finding, and information gathering (but not in that order), they found themselves in the quaint town of Pulman, Idaho, in which lives 62-year-old Myra Bunch, half-owner of "Braiding Bunch" hair salon and gift shop.

Bunch had created a line of decorative statuettes, each with a little saying such as, "Be nice to each other," "Always look on the bright side of life," and "Technological advances have increased the complexity, scope, and speed of potential risks to our national security."

When set in a particular order, the statuettes form a seven-volume thesis on positive inter-government relations, making her the perfect candidate for president, according to the analysts.

Unfortunately, when asked if she would consider running, she said she was too busy to devote herself to a full-time position, but would be happy to consider "doing it as a hobby."

Frustrated but prepared for such setbacks, the hearty analysts continued their search, moving on to their second choice, Dr. C.R. "Truly" Cane of Chiggerbight, Oklahoma. Dr. Cane, of course, is the grandson of town founder Pettys Chiggerbight, and 13th in line from William Chiggerbite of Scotland. The Chiggerbite clan was said to have earned the name after defeating a "vast armada" of angry chiggers camped in their garden.

Dr. Cane, or "Doc Truly" to his friends, was known for three things: 1) his ability to balance a bowling ball on a corn flake 2) his inability to tell anything but the truth, and 3) punctuality.

With much research, including several interviews with the doctor’s patients (including the late Donald Grey, the late Philicia Johnson and the mildly feverish Palmer Bell), the analysts learned that the truth Doc Truly espoused was the same kind Jesus referred to in the Gospel of Matthew as, "Truth with a capitol T."

The analysts felt that if the president spoke the Truth, the world couldn’t help but drastically improve. And entertaining heads of state with the bowling ball trick couldn’t hurt.

But again their hopes were dashed when Doc Truly was asked by his wife what he thought of her new hair-style and wound up in intensive care.

The analysts once again hit the road, this time landing in mid-town Chicago at the apartment of Rhonda Lee Combs, a 27-year-old single mother of 12. Combs, they had discovered, was successfully supporting her children – all of whom had a 3.5 grade point average or above — on minimum wage earnings. Understandably suspicious at first, the analysts completed a background check on Combs, and learned that apart from occasionally selling tartar sauce to the fish-yard, her success was entirely due to her ability to manage money.

This, combined with the fact that her children were excelling, left our experts brimming with hope. They surmised that Combs would make a better national economist than the entire current administration.

Intrigued by the offer, Combs ultimately turned it down after the request alone caused her youngest child’s IQ to drop by 17 points.

With their top three choices a bust, the analysts decided to call it quits. They were outside of Omaha when they stopped at a highway gas station to purchase corn-dogs and Ovaltine. As they stood at a microwave discussing their failed journey, a burly trucker who overheard them shared this advice:

"In all my travels, I’ve seen many a man or woman who would make a far better president than those in recent years. Problem is, them who push hardest for peace and contentment aint the ones who get voted in. A long time ago a man once preached to ‘turn the other cheek,’ and he said that ‘those who live by the sword, die by the sword.’