Of flying machines and Slinky

To start things off, today is the first day of spring, and yet I had to take a team of sled dogs into work. Yesterday at a prayer meeting, diocesan director of development John Ackerman prayed for moisture. I need to remember to give him a few petitions. When you find someone who has that direct a line to God, slip ’em a petition now and then. Just a tip.

Second, I just dumped hot chocolate everywhere. My papers are soaked, my desk calendar is warped and wrinkled (and will be for the next nine months), and my mouse will probably have to be put down. The worst thing about it was that it was a great cup of hot chocolate.

And, I’ve got the Slinky theme song running through my head. It’s been 20 years since I heard that song, and suddenly it’s caught in an endless loop inside my head: "It’s Slinky, it’s Slinky, for fun it’s a wonderful toy! It’s Slinky, it’s Slinky, fun for a girl and a boy!" You try writing an article with, "It’s Slinky, it’s Slinky," running through your head. If I’m not paying attention, it could slip into the story unexpectedly: "The event will be held April 18; the public is welcome to come walking down stairs, alone or in pairs and makes a slinkity sound! A spring, a spring, a marvelous thing, everyone knows it’s Slinky."

Finally, today’s deadline day, and I haven’t written my column.

For the aforementioned reasons that I just mentioned, I’ve decided to once again take a look at the human experience through the minds of those who have come before. In other words, I’m going to let a bunch of other people write my column for me. You’re welcome.

"A boy can learn a lot from a dog: obedience, loyalty, and the importance of turning around three times before lying down." – Robert Benchley

"Never go to a doctor whose office plants have died." – Erma Bombeck

"If you have a job without aggravations, you don’t have a job." – Malcolm Forbes

"The most remarkable thing about my mother is that for 30 years she served the family nothing but leftovers. The original meal has never been found."

"Having children is like having a bowling alley installed in your brain."

"When my kids become wild and unruly, I use a nice, safe playpen. When they’re finished, I climb out." – Erma Bombeck

"No matter how old a mother is, she watches her middle-aged children for signs of improvement."

"When I was a boy, I was told that anybody could become president; I’m beginning to believe it."

"Are the people who run for president really the best in a country of 240 million? If so, something has happened to the gene pool."

"We can’t all be heroes, because somebody has to sit on the curb and clap as they go by." – Will Rogers

"Stuffed deer heads on walls are bad enough, but it’s worse when they are wearing dark glasses and have streamers and ornaments in their antlers, because then you know they were enjoying themselves at a party when they were shot." – Ellen DeGeneris

"Computers in the future may weigh no more than 1.5 tons."

– Popular Mechanics, 1949

"Man won’t fly for a thousand years."

"I don’t consider myself bald. I’m simply taller than my hair." – Tom Sharp

"I was the kid next door’s imaginary friend." – Emo Phillips

"If you want to be safe on the streets at night, carry a projector and slides of your last vacation." – Helen Mundis

"You don’t stop laughing because you grow old; you grow old because you stop laughing." – Michael Pritchard

You know, it took me far longer to find these quotes than it probably would have taken me to write my column myself.

Oh, well. In the words of Robert Byrne, "There are two kinds of people, those who finish what they start and so on."