So, yesterday, I closed my eyes and asked God for a little guidance. And you know what God said? He said, "Put down the words I place in your heart. Don’t use your words, use mine."

So, I say to God, "But isn’t that exactly what I’ve been doing?" and we both start laughing.

"No, seriously," God says, "You need to listen to your heart. You’re having difficulties because your eyes aren’t always open to my message."

"Well, to tell the truth God, your message doesn’t always exactly lend itself to humor. That’s why — "

"Humor?" God says, interrupting me.

"Yeah. Humor. That’s what I do," I tell Him.

"Oh," God says.

"What are you trying to say?"

"Nothing."

"No! Go on, God, spit it out! What are you trying to say?"

"Well – it’s nothing really – it’s just that, I hadn’t realized that humor was what you were shooting for."

"So, you’re saying I’m not funny? Is that what you’re saying? Well, that’s just great!"

"Look, I’m not trying to hurt your feelings," He tells me. "It’s just that some of your columns are a tad perplexing. I mean, it’s one thing if your column leaves a co-worker baffled, but I’m all-knowing for crying out loud!"

"Can you give me a ‘for instance?’" I ask Him.

"Well, what was the deal with the werewolf in your last column? Couldn’t you have used, say, a sweet little old lady instead?"

"But that was my point," I tell Him. "Who was the real beast, the monster or humanity? I mean, I could have used a sweet little old lady, but when she devoured the guy at the end, people probably would have been a little confused."

"She could have given him some words of wisdom," God says, "shared what my Son taught about turning the other cheek, dying by the sword and all that. Wisdom is quite underrated, you know."

"I suppose. But I don’t think it would have had the same impact as being eaten. And anyway," I say to God, "it’s hard to share your words when they keep getting all twisted around."

"I’ve always thought my words were very clear," God says. "My Son spoke so that even the least among you could clearly understand."

"It’s not your words," I say, "it’s the way people use them. I mean, have you seen some of these people who claim to be ‘men of God?’ If they’re men of God, then, logically, I should have been canonized by now. My dog should have been beatified. My hamster —"

"And you’re perfect, so you can judge?" God says. "Gosh, maybe we ought to write another book of the Bible, ‘The First Column of Dave to the Kansasites.’ And speaking of your columns, you often write about I-only-know-what, only to have some tiny reference to me at the end. Sometimes I feel like a postscript! I’m not just the moral of the story, you know. I’m the plot, the characters, the event itself."

"My, don’t we think highly of ourselves," I reply.

"Oh, so it was you who created the universe?" He asks.

"Okay, okay! The point is, how can I share your message using humor when there are abortions every day, when our soldiers – many barely out of puberty — are fighting and dying, when innocent people are suffering, and when Christianity is represented by people like Jerry Falwell who uses his celebrity to suggest that, ‘even if it takes 10 years,’ we should ‘blow away the enemy in the name of the Lord’"?

"Don’t get me started on Jerry Falwell," God says. "Look, you’re making assumptions about peoples’ desires. People in general want peace and love, they just envision a different means to that end.

"Amid all these terrible anxieties troubling the world today, you – everybody – must remember that you each have a means to an end to war, to an end to needless suffering," He tells me. "It’s the passion for peace and justice I place in your heart. Use your gifts to give that passion voice, whether it’s through teaching, preaching, serving in a multitude of ways, simply setting a good example, or even by writing humorous columns, and every now and then you’ll spread a little wisdom. Every now and then you won’t, but every now and then you will."